Pacing festive family plans when you live with chronic pain
Holiday culture says “do everything while everyone’s together”. Chronic pain says “if I do everything, I’ll lose tomorrow – and maybe next week”. This guide helps you design festive days that your body can survive and that still hold real joy.
We’ll use Ticked Bucket List’s Anchor–Optional–Bonus rhythm, with built-in buffers, scripts and travel-day tweaks so you’re not paying for every memory with a flare.
1. From “do it all” to “protect the holiday”
You are not the difficult one. You are the person who understands the real cost of overbooking a body. Your role becomes:
- Protecting the few moments that matter most to you and your people.
- Preventing the “one big blowout” that wipes out the rest of the holiday.
- Making it possible to be present – not just physically in the room, but actually there.
2. Anchor–Optional–Bonus: one rhythm per day
For each day of your festive trip, sketch:
- One Anchor – the thing that will make the day feel meaningful if you do nothing else.
- Optional activities – nice to have, but the holiday survives without them.
- Bonus activities – only if your body surprises you in a good way.
Examples of Anchors:
- Main family lunch or dinner.
- Religious service or gathering that matters to you.
- One outing with your kids, partner, or a key person.
Optional and Bonus are deliberately described as flexible. This helps other people’s expectations shift from “of course you’ll be there” to “we’ll see how everyone feels”.
3. Co-designing the holiday with your family
Before the trip or early on, try a conversation like:
“My body has less margin than it used to. If we treat every event as non-negotiable, I’ll crash and miss big parts of the holiday. If we choose one main ‘anchor’ a day and keep the rest flexible, I’m more likely to be present for the things that matter most.”
Then ask:
- “Which one moment would make this day feel special to you?”
Spread these Anchors over the trip instead of stacking them all on one or two days. This is especially important on travel days (outbound and return) when you already have a built-in load.
4. Protecting your buffer blocks
Buffers are the quiet scaffolding that keep flares from taking over. They are just as real as any scheduled meal or outing.
4.1 Pre-Anchor buffer
Plan 30–90 minutes of low stimulation before each daily Anchor:
- Lying down, dark room, or quiet corner.
- Heat/cold routine, gentle stretches, or breath work if they help.
- Hydration and meds check, especially after flights, long drives or big meals.
4.2 Post-Anchor buffer
After each Anchor, build in decompression:
- Change into comfortable clothes.
- Undo hair/shoes/braces that add strain.
- Use your rescue kit tools, then reduce noise/light for a while.
When someone suggests an activity during a buffer, try: “That time is actually spoken for – it’s my recharge so I can keep going for the rest of the holiday.”
5. Pacing on travel days (flights, road, rail and ferries)
Travel days are an Anchor all by themselves. Treat them like one major demand, not “nothing” before the “real holiday” starts.
- Outbound day: travel = Anchor. Everything else (shopping, dinner out, late-night games) should be Optional or Bonus only.
- Return day: same rule. Protect the day after return as a recovery Anchor where possible.
For trains, buses and road trips, use service stops and station breaks as mini-buffer blocks: movement, warmth, meds, bathroom, and a small sensory reset before getting back in your seat.
6. Calm festive scripts so joy doesn’t cost recovery
6.1 Saying no to an extra plan
“I’d love to, but if I add that on top of today’s plans, I’m likely to lose tomorrow. I’m going to protect my energy so I can show up for [Anchor] instead.”
6.2 Leaving earlier than others
“I’m going to head back now while my body is at ‘tired but okay’ instead of waiting for ‘crashed and in crisis’. That way I’m more likely to be around for tomorrow.”
6.3 When someone pushes you to “just try”
“If I push through now, I’ll probably be out for the next day or two. I’d rather enjoy a few moments well than crash and miss everything.”
7. Designing “shared joy” that fits your body
The problem is rarely that you don’t want to participate. It’s the format. You can often adjust the format without losing what the moment is about.
- Swap walking around a crowded market for sitting together at a café nearby.
- Move gift opening to a room where you can lie down or recline.
- Take on roles you can do from a seat or sofa (score-keeper, DJ, storyteller, baby-holder).
The goal is not to reduce connection. It’s to reduce the physical cost of connection, so you can have more of it.
8. When guilt gets loud
Keep a few re-frames handy:
- “I’m not ruining the holiday. I’m trying to keep more of it.”
- “My kids or partner benefit more from a parent who can show up a bit each day than one epic day and then a collapse.”
- “Protecting my baseline this year makes future holidays more possible, not less.”
Next steps with Ticked Bucket List
Festive pacing FAQs
What if my family just doesn’t “get it”?
Some people won’t fully understand your body – but they can often understand trade-offs. Try framing it as: “If I do X and Y, I will almost certainly miss Z. Which feels most important to you?”
Is it selfish to make my own needs central?
You are not demanding luxury – you’re trying to avoid a health crash. Making sustainable choices is a way of caring for everyone who loves you, not just yourself.
How do I pace if I’m travelling with kids?
Give each child one “holiday anchor” and label the rest as bonus if our bodies allow. Kids often adapt well when you explain that your “battery” is different, not absent.
Can I still be spontaneous?
Yes – but let spontaneity live in the Bonus layer. If your body is coping better than expected, you can add something small. If not, your baseline plan still protects you.